Marcel Winatschek's Tokyopunk

The Blog

video blast from the past

November 18, 2008

I like to leave my daughter videos when I’m away. Unfortunately, I’m not gonna get to make one today. BUT…I have this old video of when Misty came with me to Washington DC for a work thing I had. This was a “news” video we sent back to our youth group.

NOTE: to save the video, use the right mouse button to click and select “save as” – to save it to your computer.

– — – –

Dear Liv,
Hope you like the video today. It’s an old one of me and mommy.

Video (large)

a memory

November 17, 2008

I just finished packing and paying bills. It’s 3:51am and the car picks me up in about 10 minutes to head to the airport. At least the flight is 5 hrs so I can some sleep.

Anyway, no time for writing, but I got a letter today from an old friend. This picture was in the letter. It was taken at his wedding quite a while back. Misty has a funny face cause she was singing to me as we danced. I had long hair because I was a rock star in college :)

Anyway, I was pretty happy to get this in the mail so many years later (Thanks Carl). I do miss my girl.


Misty's Index Cards

November 10, 2008

If you made it to Misty’s memorial service, you heard Misty’s mom talk about a habit Misty started as a young teenager. Even as a kid, she was consistent with daily reading of devotional books and the Bible. Somewhere along the line she began to write down verses that stood out to her on index cards. She reviewed the cards committing much of these scriptures to memory before adding another card to the deck. Even as a thirteen year old girl, Misty was learning what it meant to run after God. It wasn’t taught to her…she just did it.

I can’t tell you how much I have learned from Misty. She was hands-down the single most discerning person I have ever known. She would tell me her gut feeling on a person or an idea and she was just about never wrong (I have lots of stories about what she has taught me, but those are for a later evening blog). Today, I’m starting to post a weekly snapshot from the index cards that Misty wrote. Most of them are scripture (which speaks for itself), but others (like today’s) have additional notes that she left on the back of the card. My hope is that these posts (as well as others on this site) continue to provoke you to thoughts about God and how the heck we really should be living on this planet. Even if you don’t believe in God, Misty’s notes are a reminder to pursue what we desire with all our heart and to find new ways to reach our often lofty goals (in her case, the goal was knowing God). A reminder that you aren’t too young (or too old) to get started and you are never too far down the road to keep holding on.

Week 1 – James 1:25

25 But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does. (NIV)

I find this teaching to be core to Christianity, but in recent years, when you look at the larger institution, you will not see this exemplified. We do not regularly look intently into the word. I am so guilty of this. I find blocks of time when I read and study, but my daily study and even prayer life has historically been greatly lacking. I’m getting better…but still have a long way to go. And I’m not talking about reading the Bible for 8 hours a day…I’m just talking about a consistent time that is focused only on study and prayer. I don’t get that…but yes, I’m getting better. Like Misty points out, acting on our belief is just one part, we also need to “constantly review God’s truth”. I often think I know the truth and I usually do act on what I believe, but when I get back to reading the Bible, I find that I may have been just a little off in my thinking and therefore in my acting. If we stay close to the source of truth, our efforts will more likely me aligned.

our last picture

November 5, 2008

I do try to be a peacemaker. At times the strength of my opinions stirs the pot a bit, but I hope you all know that the goal is never dissension. If I have opinions on a certain teachers yoke, it is likely that you will hear it. You can then formulate your own opinion of the situation and go on with life.  We will never all agree. But I am launched into a place of influence here and I don’t take that lightly. I consider my words carefully and refrain from saying much that comes into my mind simply because I don’t have enough time to think it through. I would like to leave my 1 line about Mr. Osteen and my subsequent post on judging for just a couple days. I want to gather thoughts and respond to some of the specific comments in a way that will hopefully bring clarity rather than any misunderstanding.

I would like to talk about today.

I went to see a guest speaker at a church tonight – a church that I had not been to in a while.  I was so welcomed by folks there and I actually got a chance to meet some people that I didn’t really know…people that read here everyday.  It got me thinking about some things that I really want to get up here but I’ve been slacking off. So in the next two weeks, I’m will make a couple special posts:

I want to share
 - some music that was close to misty’s heart
 - the first round of her scripture cards (finally!)
- video postcard tutorial (have to go to AZ again next week - I’ll give step by step instructions for those of you who are technically challenged, but would love to do that)

Tonight though, I’m thinking about my lovely lady. Most of the day is too busy to think much about it, but I do miss her each night. Olivia does too. Speaking of Olivia, as I was tucking her in just now, I told her that mommy would have been proud of her today because she was so good. She sat quietly through the entire church service. She knew what I was talking about. “Mommy proud of me”, “I miss mommy”.  I was missing her too…So I went into my pictures and I found one that you probably haven’t seen. It was 6 weeks ago, yesterday. It was our last picture together…it was the day she died. She was beautiful…even her last day here.

Goodnight Misty.
I’m going to bed.
Wish you were here.

weeknights, weekends & extra hours

November 1, 2008

I know yesterday was the first in a while that i didn’t post. Everything is fine, I’m just totally burnt out and needed to sleep. I got home yesterday from AZ in time to walk out the door trick or treating. I didn’t get to be till late, then I woke up early for a photo gig in NYC…then got home for about 3 minutes before taking Olivia to her best friends birthday party tonight (pictures to come). I’m home now and just got Liv to bed. I’m about to collapse and I’m THRILLED that we get an extra hour tonight!!

But I posted about solitude the other day. I’m remembering how much of that i actually get now. Even being so busy all day, I always get time alone, everyday. It a couple hours each night with no one around. It is not refreshing, encouraging or comfortable in anyway though. I just miss my best friend. I miss having someone to decide things with; I miss having someone who was always there and took no effort to connect with. I miss her laugh and smile. Ah, but I still have it pretty good. And any day of the week, I’d take the good years along with the tough times over not ever having her at all. God is still quote good to me. And that isn’t even considering Olvia…who is more than wonderful. I’m not depressed today, no need to comment on how everything will be alright or anything like that (I know that). I’m just noting that my alone times lately are bipolar. A few great times, but mostly not.

Anyway, I wasn’t going to write anything here…not sure how all this came up. I was just going to tell you that I may not post on weekends as much. We get a few less readers and perhaps it will be good. But who knows…I’m kinda addicted to this thing.

13 years

October 24, 2008

It was 13 years ago today (around 8pm) that I asked Misty to “go out with me”. We were kids, 14 and 15 years old. We had just gone to the homecoming dance a couple nights before and I was ready to make this thing official! For those of you who remember the story of how we met – this is 2 months later, after we had been talking on the phone regularly. 

People often ask me how to know if he or she is “the one”. I obviously have no good answer for this. Is there really an answer (note the rhetorical nature of this sentence)? “You just know” or “God will show you” never really does it for me. Anyway, while I never have an answer, I do always tell them about my Misty though. When we met it was different.  I liked myself and who I was when I was with her. We were real. And perhaps most important to me, we made each other better. We challenged each other in many areas and helped each other grow. She taught me discernment and gave me an appreciation for the simple things. It was just obvious to me after a few months dating that we just made each other better. I haven’t really thought that through, so don’t go writing a book on how the way to know is if you make each other better….that is just my story. For what it’s worth. 

Anyway….13 years. We had a good run. I miss her.

PS….I finally got a new (read: working) scanner so I promise I will scan those scripture memory cards she did and have them available each week…soon!

Amanda & Marcus

October 19, 2008

Here are a handful of the 1750 shots Shannon and I took at thier wedding a few months back. I know its a little late but…hey, I’ve been a little preoccupied :)

Click on the Image to visit the gallery.

In other news, Olivia decided that instead of a nap she was going to sneak the balmex again and paint all over her sheets, feet and hands. I must say, the amusement I have found in the past in such instances was significantly diminished.  Later the dumb squirrel further decimated my pumpkin. And lastly, Liv and I both missed mommy today a bit. Only a few more days and its already a month since she died. That feels weird.

still plenty of flowers

October 11, 2008

Today was a bit of a downer. Stuff just didn’t feel right…I know this is to be expected. I visited the gravesite for the first time since the interment. Misty has a beautiful location. Fitting.

I have heard a few times that even if you aren’t emotionally upset, that the grieving process still makes you tired. I can attest to that. I’m doing pretty ok, but totally exhausted.

Anyway, not much to say today…here is an image from the day of the interment. I thought it was a beautiful little time. Olivia got to leave a flower on the casket as we left.


PS – with regards to the Acadia pictures, yes…whatever I post, you are free to use. If I’m reserving rights, I’ll limit the download options.

did you blog about misty?

October 8, 2008

I just tucked in my little girl. She is so wonderful. We watched Word World together on the couch as she drank her “tea bottle”. I put like 1 oz of decaf tea in a glass of milk. and we call it tea. Mommy used to drink tea a lot….so Livi likes to as well. Today she got out her crayons . First it was “I want the pink one” and she grabbed the pink one, then “the orange one” and she grabbed the orange one. Even little things thrill me. I’m so happy to be back home (even though my trip was much needed).

Anyway, tonight is just a few informal bullets.

  • Misty’s mom and sister were here today and we went through all Misty’s clothes, pocketbooks and shoes.  I can’t say that it was the easiest experience of my life, but we’re still pretty peaceful through this and I think we all did pretty good.
  • I loved that some of you actually listened to the radio show online or with the mp3. You all encourage me so much….thanks.  
  • I’m working on the format for the little devotionals I’m going to do based on Misty’s scripture memorization cards. Its so encouraging just reading through these cards and seeing what God was teaching her from age 13 up through having cancer. I think you will be blessed by this. Coming soon.
  • I’m excited that big things are happening with Anthem of Hope. Stay tuned.
  • I’m going to take a look at the pictures from Acadia tomorrow and hopefully post some. I haven’t even looked at them on the computer yet (except for the 3 you all saw)
  • Please pray for Olivia as I go back to work soon. I’m just trusting God that she will turn out as wonderful with just me as she would have if she were able to grow up with a mom like Misty. I  know you will all say “oh darren, you’ll do fine” but the truth is that she would have been better off having a mother and a teacher like Misty. It is now up to God to make up the difference here…and I’m trusting he will.

Lastly, If you have written a blog or note online about Misty, please go to Courtney’s website and add it to the list. I love her for compiling this list. I’m going to print them all for a book I’m making for when Olivia gets a bit older.

Here is the link to her site:


suck it up and say it

October 1, 2008

I took my little girl to the beach today. It was warm enough for us to make the long trek (it’s only 2 blocks) to the famous NJ shore. It’s really only popular with people who don’t have means (or time) to get to a nice place like north carolina or florida. Don’t get me wrong…it’s not bad. And if Misty’s vote mattered, the beach here was just fine (though she preferred mexico!).

I’m beginning to think that her unquenchable love of the beach is genetic though. Olivia was SO into it today. It was a really nice, but different, couple of hours. I’ve done tons of things with her before, but today was a bit different; there was a lingering knowledge that it’s just us now. There’s no end of the day return mommy with dinner, or meeting her at grandma’s house for chicken cacciatore. It wasn’t a stressful obsession by any means, just kind of matter of fact I guess. It started when we were walking the splintery boardwalk down over the dunes and she ran a few steps ahead quickly turning around and saying “no mommy…just daddy”. There was no prompting on my part and we hadn’t talked about that in a couple hours. She repeated it probably ten times, like she had to convince herself or something. I just affirmed her and told her we’d be ok.

I am pretty ok with talking with her about this stuff. It doesn’t really upset me or anything. It’s been a process. In fact, I almost made it through the day today without getting teary (most days are 95% ok – till I run into something that triggers the “missing her” emotion). Then I found a card laying on my table. Misty’s mom had found it going through some stuff last week and laid it out for me. It was a birthday card for me that Misty bought when she was still walking. She had tucked it away in her desk. My birthday was in May, just around the time she stopped talking and just around the time she lost her ability to write at all.

Misty was a serious card giver. She wouldn’t buy a card unless it said exactly what she wanted to say. Getting a card from her was never generic – it was always words from her heart, even if they weren’t in blue ink. It was so nice to hear words from her that I had not yet heard; to be loved by her just a little bit.

I can’t help but put a challenge out today. If you were going to lose your ability to speak tomorrow, or even next week, is there something you need to tell someone today? Too often we are let our pride get in the way of giving praise to someone who deserves it. It doesn’t make you look weak to recognize someone’s strengths…it actually makes you look stronger. Be generous with your words of praise and encouragement. And for the people closest to you, never take for granted that they know you love them. Never take for granted that they know you think they are talented, or that you appreciate them. Just say it…suck it up and say it. (This especially goes to my fellow men who so often don’t like to be vulnerable with their words. This is really important…even more so for your kids)

Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.